Earlier today, a distant cousin of mine tweeted the following: "Jan 1
is just another day... Not like everyone magically becomes a better person with
a fresh start." It is interesting because I have often thought the
same basic thing. Why is it that we wait for the New Year to make changes
in our lives? What makes us think that January 1 will be any different
than December 31st or any other day for that matter? As I was walking
through the house, I saw a dustpan and broom in the laundry room and it made me
think about something.
Everyone is looking forward to making change in 2014, but if we are going to
make changes in our lives, why not start with the twenty seven hours we have
left in this year? Obviously a broom and dustpan are used to sweep and
remove debris that has accumulated on the floor or ground. It occurred to
me that just like we sometimes have to sweep away dirt and dust that has
gathered on the floor, we also need to take time to sweep away some stuff that
has cluttered our lives.
So, my point is very simple, we can go into 2014 the same way we were in
2013, or we can stop and make some adjustments right now. For some of us,
we can sweep up the debris we left behind from unwise decisions and begin
taking responsibility for our actions. Perhaps we sweep away some of the
negative influences in our lives that have turned us into "negative
Nellie's". Some of us can sweep away the dust of pain and bad
feelings that gathered when people hurt us or did us wrong. Sweep away
frivolous spending, unhealthy habits, self doubt, unhealthy friendships and any
other trace of anything hurtful that we have allowed to gather in our lives. Some of need to clean up a closet, the garage or that old cassette tape collection we have from the 1980's!
So quickly, take stock of your life and decide what areas need attention. Then get out your broom and dustpan and start sweeping! Hurry,
there are just over twenty six and a half hours left to clean up before 2014!
Monday, December 30, 2013
Thursday, December 26, 2013
My Confession
Yesterday we celebrated Christmas for the fifth time without my mom.
While this Christmas was one of the best since she passed away, I cannot say
that about the previous four. In fact, for me, the last month or so has
been the best month since she was taken from us. The previous 59 or so
months, well that is the subject of this blog.
Plain and simple, I did not handle her death very well. In fact, I
didn't handle it at all. At the risk of ridicule, criticism and scorn, I
will give a summary of my story. If just one single person is encouraged
or helped by it, then my public confession is totally worth it.
My mother was taken suddenly. We had all of three hours to "prepare" for her death. When she was wheeled into surgery to further explore what was going on in her body, we had no idea that we would never be able to communicate with her again, or that she would be dead in a few hours.
Far too soon, the uplifting visits and encouraging phone calls slow down and eventually stop. Reality sets in and then the grieving process begins. The problem is, just what is that process? How does it start and when does it end? How do you handle Christmas now when every December 19th is a memory of her passing? Being a husband, father, son, brother and all the other titles bring on a sense of responsibility. Who has time to grieve when you are the provider for your family? I'm very involved in ministry in my church, so I'm supposed to be helping others. I had a job, and later, a small business to run. I can't take time to grieve, there is so much that needs to get done.
Some people choose alcohol or drugs to drown their sorrows. Others use retail therapy or other remedies to deal with the grief. I chose "busyness". I stayed busy to avoid feeling the pain. I stayed busy to numb the pain that I did feel. I stayed busy to avoid reality. The ones who knew me best knew that I wasn't doing very well, but to everyone else, I was doing just great! I was still posting encouraging messages on Facebook and Twitter, still had a smile on my face, but inside I was broken and depression began to set in. It was not the, "can't get out of bed" type of depression, but what I later learned may have been "seasonal depression".
On and on I fought this battle in my life as I tried to navigate through this thing called grieving. Ironically as I was helping out at a funeral, I met an individual and we began to discuss death and grieving. It turned out that this person was a therapist. She read me like a book and began to describe exactly what I was going through, even though I had not given her all the details. To make a long story short, the very thing I was trying to avoid doing was exactly what I needed to do in order to heal.
You see, while I had cried a bit and felt sadness and grief, but I never really let myself get to a place where I could really be broken and open myself up to really grieve. I never wanted to admit that my life was shattered at the moment and I was nowhere near as strong as I thought I was. I could not "break down"; I had to be strong for my kids and everyone else. The problem was, while I was trying to be strong for everyone else, I was breaking down and almost to the point of melting down myself.
I realized that the very core of my problem was pride. I wasn't trusting God to be the comforter that He promised He would be. I needed to control the situation. I had to be strong. I had to carry on. How many times had I quoted the Bible verse that says "when I am weak, then He is strong" and yet, here I was, avoiding the position where I could get the most help; a position of weakness!
So, just over a month ago, at the advice of this individual (who it felt like was an angel sent from God), I went away for a day by myself and allowed myself to break down and be weak. I gave myself time to fall apart, cry, and think about the good times and the bad times. I went to that "dark place" of despair and grief. This was my idea, but I "played a movie" in my head of every memory I could remember of her and then I bawled for awhile and laughed thinking of the good times. I admitted to myself that I was messed up and broken and opened the door for God to really bring a peace and comfort that is beyond any human understanding.
Some will be critical and say well if you trust God, well then why did you need the advice of a therapist? I believe that God uses people to enter our lives and bring practical advice, that when used in conjunction with God's healing power can be a powerful combination. In following her advice to allow myself to be weak, I allowed myself to be in a position where God could bring the peace that I so desperately needed. So, for the first time in a long time, Thanksgiving and Christmas were happy moments in my life. I feel as though I have my life back and it feels so good!
We are told that "men don't cry". People will tell you that you need to be strong. But if it has been a week, a year, ten years or even longer and you are struggling with the death of a loved one, I hope my confession will help you. Sure, to a certain extent we need to be strong, but please, don't let pride or fear of what other may think get in your way. Let yourself be weak and let God be the comforter in your life that he was in mine.
Thanks for reading and PLEASE share this with anyone who may be struggling in dealing with the death of a loved one.
JP
My mother was taken suddenly. We had all of three hours to "prepare" for her death. When she was wheeled into surgery to further explore what was going on in her body, we had no idea that we would never be able to communicate with her again, or that she would be dead in a few hours.
Far too soon, the uplifting visits and encouraging phone calls slow down and eventually stop. Reality sets in and then the grieving process begins. The problem is, just what is that process? How does it start and when does it end? How do you handle Christmas now when every December 19th is a memory of her passing? Being a husband, father, son, brother and all the other titles bring on a sense of responsibility. Who has time to grieve when you are the provider for your family? I'm very involved in ministry in my church, so I'm supposed to be helping others. I had a job, and later, a small business to run. I can't take time to grieve, there is so much that needs to get done.
Some people choose alcohol or drugs to drown their sorrows. Others use retail therapy or other remedies to deal with the grief. I chose "busyness". I stayed busy to avoid feeling the pain. I stayed busy to numb the pain that I did feel. I stayed busy to avoid reality. The ones who knew me best knew that I wasn't doing very well, but to everyone else, I was doing just great! I was still posting encouraging messages on Facebook and Twitter, still had a smile on my face, but inside I was broken and depression began to set in. It was not the, "can't get out of bed" type of depression, but what I later learned may have been "seasonal depression".
On and on I fought this battle in my life as I tried to navigate through this thing called grieving. Ironically as I was helping out at a funeral, I met an individual and we began to discuss death and grieving. It turned out that this person was a therapist. She read me like a book and began to describe exactly what I was going through, even though I had not given her all the details. To make a long story short, the very thing I was trying to avoid doing was exactly what I needed to do in order to heal.
You see, while I had cried a bit and felt sadness and grief, but I never really let myself get to a place where I could really be broken and open myself up to really grieve. I never wanted to admit that my life was shattered at the moment and I was nowhere near as strong as I thought I was. I could not "break down"; I had to be strong for my kids and everyone else. The problem was, while I was trying to be strong for everyone else, I was breaking down and almost to the point of melting down myself.
I realized that the very core of my problem was pride. I wasn't trusting God to be the comforter that He promised He would be. I needed to control the situation. I had to be strong. I had to carry on. How many times had I quoted the Bible verse that says "when I am weak, then He is strong" and yet, here I was, avoiding the position where I could get the most help; a position of weakness!
So, just over a month ago, at the advice of this individual (who it felt like was an angel sent from God), I went away for a day by myself and allowed myself to break down and be weak. I gave myself time to fall apart, cry, and think about the good times and the bad times. I went to that "dark place" of despair and grief. This was my idea, but I "played a movie" in my head of every memory I could remember of her and then I bawled for awhile and laughed thinking of the good times. I admitted to myself that I was messed up and broken and opened the door for God to really bring a peace and comfort that is beyond any human understanding.
Some will be critical and say well if you trust God, well then why did you need the advice of a therapist? I believe that God uses people to enter our lives and bring practical advice, that when used in conjunction with God's healing power can be a powerful combination. In following her advice to allow myself to be weak, I allowed myself to be in a position where God could bring the peace that I so desperately needed. So, for the first time in a long time, Thanksgiving and Christmas were happy moments in my life. I feel as though I have my life back and it feels so good!
We are told that "men don't cry". People will tell you that you need to be strong. But if it has been a week, a year, ten years or even longer and you are struggling with the death of a loved one, I hope my confession will help you. Sure, to a certain extent we need to be strong, but please, don't let pride or fear of what other may think get in your way. Let yourself be weak and let God be the comforter in your life that he was in mine.
Thanks for reading and PLEASE share this with anyone who may be struggling in dealing with the death of a loved one.
JP
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Don't Let A Loss Ruin The Moment
Last Friday morning, Ethan and I hopped in the car and drove from Fresno to Las
Vegas to watch Fresno State play USC
in the Las Vegas Bowl. It was a
great opportunity to get away, have a little fun and spend some quality time
with my oldest son. It didn't take long to see that this was going to be
a tough game and unfortunately, the Bulldogs didn't fare too well against the
mighty Trojans of USC. When USC
scored a touchdown that put the game out of reach, Ethan turned to me and said,
"Dad, even if the Bulldogs lose, I still had fun and am glad we
came!" It was refreshing to
hear his comment about having fun in spite of the outcome.
As we headed to the car following the game, I saw several people visibly upset because of the loss. You could hear some making rude remarks about the coaching decisions and the mistakes made by the players. Others engaged in verbal arguments with USC fans, clearly taking things too seriously and forgetting that it is just a game! It made me think of the quote made famous by former UCLA Football Coach Henry Russell Sanders. He said, " Winning is not everything; it's the only thing." To some individuals, that statement is one they take quite seriously! Lost in the emotion of Fresno State losing a football game was the great weather and awesome pregame show. Also lost, was the fact that, the team had a great year in spite of the loss. Had I let my emotions get the best of me, the fact that I got to spend a wonderful weekend with my son would have been lost as well.
I believe that too often in life, we take some things far too seriously. Just sit at any youth sports event and you will understand my point. When the leagues solicit volunteers to coach the teams, very few parents sign up to help, but just let the games start and every parent suddenly becomes a head coach. Parents curse at other parents, yell at the opposing team's kids, distract their own children by "coaching" from the sidelines, yell at the referees and get all worked up if their kid doesn't play enough, or God forbid their team loses the game. Lost is the idea of kids just playing a game for the fun of it.
My point is simple today, try not to let the petty negatives in life get in the way of the big picture. While things may go wrong and don't turn out how we would like them to, I encourage you to take a deep breath, relax and don't let a loss ruin the moment.
As we headed to the car following the game, I saw several people visibly upset because of the loss. You could hear some making rude remarks about the coaching decisions and the mistakes made by the players. Others engaged in verbal arguments with USC fans, clearly taking things too seriously and forgetting that it is just a game! It made me think of the quote made famous by former UCLA Football Coach Henry Russell Sanders. He said, " Winning is not everything; it's the only thing." To some individuals, that statement is one they take quite seriously! Lost in the emotion of Fresno State losing a football game was the great weather and awesome pregame show. Also lost, was the fact that, the team had a great year in spite of the loss. Had I let my emotions get the best of me, the fact that I got to spend a wonderful weekend with my son would have been lost as well.
I believe that too often in life, we take some things far too seriously. Just sit at any youth sports event and you will understand my point. When the leagues solicit volunteers to coach the teams, very few parents sign up to help, but just let the games start and every parent suddenly becomes a head coach. Parents curse at other parents, yell at the opposing team's kids, distract their own children by "coaching" from the sidelines, yell at the referees and get all worked up if their kid doesn't play enough, or God forbid their team loses the game. Lost is the idea of kids just playing a game for the fun of it.
I'm afraid that some kid’s memories of participating in
sports are clouded with screaming parents and unrealistic expectations.
My point is simple today, try not to let the petty negatives in life get in the way of the big picture. While things may go wrong and don't turn out how we would like them to, I encourage you to take a deep breath, relax and don't let a loss ruin the moment.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
A Lesson From Derek Carr's Heisman Trophy Snub
Yesterday the Heisman Trophy finalists were announced, and unfortunately, a
very deserving individuals name was missing from the list. Perhaps you
have never heard the name Derek Carr, but I put a link at the end of this
post, so you can read a great article published about him in the New York
Times. Derrick is the star quarterback at Fresno State and is projected
to be a first round draft choice in the upcoming NFL draft. Across the
board, his statistics are better than everyone else who was selected as
finalists and he played one less game, due to the flooding in Colorado.
However, the school he plays for, the conference that school is in and the
level of competition were held against him for some reason. Never mind
that some of the other nominees played against competition that was inferior,
clearly politics and bias tainted the voting, but it is what it is.
Derrick is also a husband, father and someone who puts his family and faith above everything else. While everyone else is in an uproar about this snub, he has been silent about it. Clearly, winning, or not winning this coveted metal trophy does not define how good of a quarterback he is, or what type of a person he is, with or without the millions of dollars he will soon make in the NFL. He really made me think about things because of his refusal to let a win, a loss or other life circumstances change who he has become. In fact, I'm confident he is home right now, being a dad and husband to his wife and son, or out studying film so he can beat the hated USC Trojans in a few weeks, and is not the least bit worried about a silly trophy.
It can be a slow process, but I'm learning that I cannot let outside influences affect my confidence in who I am. It is not easy to reverse the thought process that controls how I feel, but the opinion of others must not sway me if I am to thrive and be successful in whatever I was created to do.
We live in a society that defines individuals by many factors, most which have nothing to do with the actual person. We define people by the brand of clothing they wear, what side of town they live in, where they shop, how flashy their car is, and a number of other superficial factors. Seldom do we really get to know someone prior to deciding who they really are. It is much easier to make a decision based on the external factors that we see, rather than to investigate and find out who the individual really is, or what really makes them tick.
Often times, we succumb to the pressures, and allow others to dictate how we should dress, what we should drive, or who we should associate with in order to be deemed a "success", but never let anyone or anything determine yourself worth. In order for this to work, you need to take the time to figure out who you are and what you stand for. Once you have a better understanding of who you are it becomes much easier to ignore the naysayer, thrive in spite of rejection and bounce back from setbacks.
So just for a minute, let’s all become like Derek Carr. Let’s be confident in our skills, abilities and intelligence and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks about us. Let’s clearly identify the roles that are important to us in life and make carrying out those roles our utmost priority. Let’s be so grounded in our faith that no circumstance can shake the foundation we stand on. Last but not least, let’s not let awards, snubs, wins and losses or other things knock us off track. There is life beyond man's approval and accolades!
As always, thanks for taking time to read. I hope you have been entertained, humored, challenged or encouraged by my ideas and thoughts! Please take time to click the link and read this article. New York Times Story on Derek Carr
***For those who may not know, the Heisman Trophy is awarded to the most outstanding college football player of the year. It is voted on by many of the nations sportswriters. If you Google "Derek Carr Heisman Snub, you will find that many prominent sports writers feel that he was far more deserving than others to be nominated for this award.
Derrick is also a husband, father and someone who puts his family and faith above everything else. While everyone else is in an uproar about this snub, he has been silent about it. Clearly, winning, or not winning this coveted metal trophy does not define how good of a quarterback he is, or what type of a person he is, with or without the millions of dollars he will soon make in the NFL. He really made me think about things because of his refusal to let a win, a loss or other life circumstances change who he has become. In fact, I'm confident he is home right now, being a dad and husband to his wife and son, or out studying film so he can beat the hated USC Trojans in a few weeks, and is not the least bit worried about a silly trophy.
It can be a slow process, but I'm learning that I cannot let outside influences affect my confidence in who I am. It is not easy to reverse the thought process that controls how I feel, but the opinion of others must not sway me if I am to thrive and be successful in whatever I was created to do.
We live in a society that defines individuals by many factors, most which have nothing to do with the actual person. We define people by the brand of clothing they wear, what side of town they live in, where they shop, how flashy their car is, and a number of other superficial factors. Seldom do we really get to know someone prior to deciding who they really are. It is much easier to make a decision based on the external factors that we see, rather than to investigate and find out who the individual really is, or what really makes them tick.
Often times, we succumb to the pressures, and allow others to dictate how we should dress, what we should drive, or who we should associate with in order to be deemed a "success", but never let anyone or anything determine yourself worth. In order for this to work, you need to take the time to figure out who you are and what you stand for. Once you have a better understanding of who you are it becomes much easier to ignore the naysayer, thrive in spite of rejection and bounce back from setbacks.
So just for a minute, let’s all become like Derek Carr. Let’s be confident in our skills, abilities and intelligence and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks about us. Let’s clearly identify the roles that are important to us in life and make carrying out those roles our utmost priority. Let’s be so grounded in our faith that no circumstance can shake the foundation we stand on. Last but not least, let’s not let awards, snubs, wins and losses or other things knock us off track. There is life beyond man's approval and accolades!
As always, thanks for taking time to read. I hope you have been entertained, humored, challenged or encouraged by my ideas and thoughts! Please take time to click the link and read this article. New York Times Story on Derek Carr
***For those who may not know, the Heisman Trophy is awarded to the most outstanding college football player of the year. It is voted on by many of the nations sportswriters. If you Google "Derek Carr Heisman Snub, you will find that many prominent sports writers feel that he was far more deserving than others to be nominated for this award.
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